Just Relax

Sometimes I think back to when we were still doing infertility treatments. Some of that feels like another life. Over thinking about everything you eat, making sure you take that vitamin every day, hoping any little pain or cramp is a sign that this time it worked, taking your temperature before you do anything else, analysing that chart that tells you everything is going right, the doctor visits that use to give you butterflies now become almost a weekly routine, you take pills, use creams, have little bruises on your belly and lumps in your hips from shots, and you bleed, long and hard, from a baby that never came. Over and over again for years... Oh, how I am grateful that part of the experience is over.

For those that know me well, you know that my mind can run a million miles a minute. When I'm worried about something, I think of every possible scenario, every good thing and every bad thing that could possibly happen. I make long lists of things to do in my head, how to move forward, how to fix things, until I remember to just relax, that everything is fine.

I was just reading a blog, one where people were talking about adoptions, adoption agencies, their experiences. They talked about agencies where people get babies, fast, a lot faster than most people do through LDS Family Services. This isn't the first time I've heard about these specific other agencies but this time I start to panic. Maybe we need to start signing up with those agencies. Maybe we'll never get picked. Maybe we'll get picked and then the birthmom will change her mind. Maybe a birthdad won't sign the papers and we'll be in court for years. Maybe we'll wait F.O.R.E.V.E.R.

And, maybe it will be the most wonderful, incredible, amazing thing we will ever experience. This one is the truth, I can feel it. Too bad I can't always keep those other thoughts out. And, maybe someday we will need to look into other things, but that day is not today.